Dream : Jessie Is a Lesbian Fuck Girl.

I dreamt I went on a date with another girl who I actually kinda new in high school. I’m not a lesbian, but if I was, this girl would not be a girl I would be dating- she just had no personality, and was always whining to her boyfriend in this nasally high-pitched voice. I don’t know how he put up with it. 

In the dream I’m a little confused as well: why am I doing this? How did this happen? Is this our first date? 

…Kinda seems like it, but also like we have some sort of history. I think we’ve been building up to this for awhile because there seems to be a tension. She acts REALLY into me and is all over me. The whole time I’m thinking: I can’t believe how straight I am. Not a drop of fluidity? Or is it just because it’s her? 

We go to a “diner” that is more like a very stylish nightclub with very bad service. She knows absolutely everyone. I begin to realize she may be a big deal because these people are dying to be around her (why?). She even talks to Meryl Streep and they seem to know each other well. Meryl is like “oh-so-and-so I’m so happy you’re with the right girl now.” 

Meaning me. I’m like “huh?” Shit, I really gotta tell this girl I’m super straight whatthefuck. But this diner/club is so crazy we barely get a minute to talk. 

She has a lot of hot guy friends. Yup, I definitely like men. Would much prefer to be on a date with a guy.

She continues to be grossly touchy with me, and it’s uncomfortable. She keeps trying to kiss me and I do my best to make them dry and quick. At this point I would literally need to peel her hands off of me. I would have turn my mouth away like she’s a lecher… it would embarrass her. I don’t want to do that- I already have to dump her from a relationship I didn’t know I was in! I gently tell her that I’m not a pda person. She is injured, but chills out. 

Is one of her guy friends flirting with me? Can I telepathically let him know I’m not a lesbian? Should I point to his dick, frantically nodding, and give the thumbs up sign? 

Oops! accidentally made out with him! She’s hurt. I cover by pretending we kissed because we want a threesome. This lie seems to work and she’s like, “Oh. Okay- but I don’t want to do that.” (Neither do I, because I don’t want to have sex with you, but also that’s too many holes)

I’m like, “then we won’t do it babe!” Crap. Makes me seem cooler- like I’m open but not in an aggressive, pressure-y way. She eats it up. The night keep getting more raucous and crazy, and nothing costs money, this could be because I’m now in a lesbian power couple dynamic and my girlfriend is paying for everything, or because she’s just that popular. I keep getting more drinks and getting in more conversations because I don’t want to leave and go back to her apartment, because then she’ll want to do stuff and not only am I not a lesbian, I’m not into her as a person. She still wears those velvet tuxedo jackets and bootcut jeans over her spindly body- just like she did in high school. Uhg. She wheezes out my name in that horrible whiny voice just like she did with her boyfriend: “Jessssssiiiiie. Justiiiiiin. Jessssssiiiieeee! Jusssttinnnn.” Chilling.

I have to break up with her. I decide to pull a classic “me” move and behave badly enough that she’ll break up with me. I sit on the flirty guys’ lap while he serenades me. She doesn’t see. We make out. She sees, and storms off. 

I text her and just say, “I’m sorry.” That’s it. There is no “I’m sorry please come back lets talk.”

But for some reason that’s what my new girlfriend hears: She’s back, and beaming like I just wrote her a fucking sonnet.

Really? What did her parents do to her?

I now fully realize there is something. wrong with her. I don’t want her touching me, I make out with a male who is also her friend, then send an insufficient text- and it makes her cling tighter! This is terrible. I don’t like the feeling of having all the power. It makes me nauseated. I agree to go to her apartment because the party element must be eliminated for her to understand. She lives in what is supposed to be a very hip, very expensive apartment complex, but it just looks like the shitty apartment complex my alcoholic guy friends lived in a long time ago…. we’re either in the future, where it’s ironic to live in roach-infested complexes, or we’re so deep in past that post-WWII soviet block-housing is considered nice.

Her place is equally shit and she’s really messy. It’s super cluttered and dirty. Another red flag. 

Before she can get handsy I tell her that I have some “trauma issues” and don’t want to get physical. She says that’s okay. 

“I mean.. like…ever..” 

“Yeah,” she says sweetly, “whatever you want.” 

Whatever I want?! I made out with your friend!!

But I don’t say this. I want to go back to my place, which is way less expensive, but clean, and also girlfriend-free. 

I think of my home, comfy and normal. I can take a shower in my clean bathroom and drink a sparkling water. I can watch Nova until I fall asleep in my big, clean bed. 

Instead of doing that we take off our pants, and put on big cotton t-shirts. Hey, It’s just two girls in panties and XL tees that say the names of restaurants or universities on them. THIS actually feels familiar. This must be what being a lesbian is all about, because this outfit is what being a girl is all about!! I’ve hacked lesbianism: It’s just being yourself , in a room with someone else, and you can read each other’s thoughts because neither of you is male. I can do this.

We watch tv in our underpants and tees, not touching. Oh snap : I can make out with her hot guy friend without ever having to really date him!!! Because technically I’m a kept-woman!!! Who’s in a homosexual relationship that is never consummate!!! I’ve transcended the patriarchy!…I think!!!

Suddenly all her female friends arrive to meet me, and give their seal of approval. Nightmare. I was hoping to put my pants back on and say I have to sleep at my house (also because of my “trauma issues”. Sad.) They love me. The only one who seems to see through this farce is Molly Shannon, formerly of SNL fame, and talented dramatic actress as well- She dislikes me. I want her to free us both, but her friend/my girlfriend seems “so, so happy” with me, Molly Shannon says suspiciously.

Her friends leave and I prepare to give my trauma excuse so that I can avoid sleeping in this cat-hair covered shit hole. There’s no cat. Did it die beneath her mounds of crap? Will she pay my rent? Or insist I live with her as long as she gets a cleaning service? I can’t live here..she has a tv from the 90’s, she’ll have to buy a new one. No. Nope. She’ll need to burn this entire complex to the ground, and move. I hate it here. God, How will this work? I’m so unreasonable, and I don’t like her.

I find her desk, artfully cluttered, but clean and oddly lit with flickering sconces, like a shrine. I somehow gather that she is a writer. A celebrated writer, and slam poet. She writes on a typewriter, which is pretentious- (c’mon, so hard on your wrists, baaaaabe!) but she’s apparently quite talented. Don’t ask me how I intuit all this, it’s a dream.

I want her to mentor me. Maybe she’s one of those people who is insane in romance, but great in friendships. How can I gracefully pivot to that? Oh, I know: write a short story about how I’m not a lesbian whatsoever, but find myself with a great girlfriend so I can avoid having an real romantic relationship because I’m so “damaged”. I’ll ask for her feedback. Shouldn’t be hard to act damaged because I am damaged. I’ll get addicted to drugs and really drive the point home. She’ll read the piece, feel so sorry for me that she can’t be mad, and she’ll break it off- but remain in my life because she’s worried about me, and obviously has issues with codependent boundaries…Then she’ll mentor me. When people ask how we became friends we’ll look at each other and laugh.

She’s actually about to have an incredibly enriching experience.This isn’t a huge waste of her time with a gutless fuck girl! 

She can write the foreword to my book. That’s good, because I’ll need the press, and clout, her credibility provides. Plus, the book is not going to be good.

Jesus Christ I’m really manipulative.